watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
