Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
