Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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