I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
