chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to fling myself into the sun