i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME