u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.