i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
