Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
