Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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