Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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