she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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