only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
