i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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