her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
