That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
