He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
