I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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