You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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