I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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