i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
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I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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