i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i dont even know how to be here
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
