Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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