are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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