While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Idk if I want to put a bra on
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
