FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
