i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
