Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
