Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
