My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
