Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She's the barista slut.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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