The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
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I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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