I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Randomize
