Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
