i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
