wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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