dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
