I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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