Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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