Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We left an ass print on the piano.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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