Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
