just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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