He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The air was thick with penises
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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