theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
