ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
