Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You can't special order awesome
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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