yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
