lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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