He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
