You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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