My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
