I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
