Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
