were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
