Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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