I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
