you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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