Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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