im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
