I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
