he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Let's get the cat blown out
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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