my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
