My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
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I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize